Firstly...let me say a HUGE THANK YOU to all you lovely girls that PM'd me and/or emailed me after my last post.
I was actually quite overwhelmed with all your awesome support (not to mention a little embarassed) and it made me realise how lucky I am to have such gorgeous people around me...even though most of you I'll probably never meet in real life.
Wednesday morning Michael and I decided to pack up the 4 youngest boys and head down to our friends property in Goulburn so the boys could ride the dune buggy. To be honest, at first I really didn't want to go. Mostly because I could'nt be bothered to pack clothes, get stuff ready etc. Then I realised that a couple of days away from everyone would more than likely do me the world of good so off I went.
I am so glad I did. I am so grateful that I got a chance to go when I did. I know it sounds stupid but it was like divine intervention. I really, really was at my wits end over Xmas.
On the drive there my mother SMS'd me asking me was I home and I didn't answer the first SMS. She messaged me again and I replied and said I was on my way to Goulburn and that I'd be home Friday.
This is the first time EVER that she has contacted me first after an argument. Especially one where I got most of the say and I really was quite vicious in what I said to her. So I figure she must realise how stressed I am, or she realises that hey...maybe I've had enough. Either that or she really couldn't be fucked with what I think and believe me...that could simply be the case.
Either way...whatever the reason...I have decided that when she does come around I'm going to tell her once and for all what I really think about the dramas and shit they bring here each and every time they come. I'm telling her that I don't mind discussing her lifes' problems when my kids aren't around if I must...but that I don't think it's right for a grandmother to be sitting there discussing in detail the things she does in front of her grandchildren.
I'm going to tell her how stressed I get when Xmas and the like comes around ever year 'cos I can't cope with the unknown and who is going to want to argue with whom from my family. Also that I can't stand knowing that someone from my own family supposedly inside using the toilet but really looking to see what they can knock off from me. Fuck that. If she can't understand that well...I'm sorry but she can tell her story walking.
Enough is enough.
I'm also sick of looking like the asshole every time other people realise my mother and I have had an argument 'cos as I've said..she is the most manipulating woman in the world and not everyone sees the 'real' side of her. Thank God Michael has seen her in action. My father (who divorced her when I was 3) does also.
I just hope I don't crawl into the foetal position when I see her walking down my street.
After spending some time out in the bush for the past couple of days I feel a bit better. At least the chest pains have gone and I really hope they don't come back.
I realise I'm very stressed and I already take anti-depressants so that just goes to show how bad I let things get. I know I'm not 'out of the woods' yet either but at least I've chipped away at the front line and thats a start.
When the kids go back to school I'm going to see my doctor and explain to him what has happened and how it has all come to a huge head and see what he says. If need be, I'll go before then.
I tend to hold so much inside then let it explode rather than talk about things before letting them build up. Not the right way to handle things but thats the way I was brought up and not an easy thing to change.
On a lighter note...my darling hubby turns 40 today the old fart!! He has just taken the boys shopping to spend the Xmas vouchers they got off his Dad. Jye turned 11 on the 27th so he'll be able to spend his money also.
Again...thanks so much for all your advice and support. You have all been awesome and I send hugs to each and every one of you.