I have something I want to say that at this time of the year will probably depress you so if you're in the whole Xmassy spirit of things then please don't read on.
As most of you know I lead a pretty full on, busy life with 5 of my kids (well 4 next year) at school and the eldest working as a chef in the city. The 3 youngest boys all play cricket with one excelling at the game and taking a lot of our time by playing Rep. grade and indoor cricket as well. My hubby and I love this though.
On top of that I am Secretary on 2 committees and Publicity Officer on one...one is the Mothers Club at the boys primary school and the other is the P & F at the high school. I also hold a position 'of sorts' on the cricket clubs committee, being the co-ordinator for next years Trivia Night which is to be held in February.
The high school position hasn't called for much. Taking Minutes, typing them up and getting them printed is about it. The primary school is similar but there are more days and events at the school that I have to attend to help out and sometimes this can be twice or even 3 times a week.
On top of that there is canteen duty once a month at the primary school and the other various engagements at both schools that a parent attends.
All this sort of stuff I can usually do standing on my head...not a problem. This year though I have found it really, really hard to unwind and relax to the point of I am a bit worried and scared for myself.
I have a few extremely stressful times this year with my family (not my immediate) but my brothers and mother who I know will never, ever change their ways.
Two weeks ago my mother and one of my brothers moved around the corner from me, within walking distance, and it just blew me out of the water. It was like the only thing I had left was this safe haven of knowing that although they only lived 15 minutes drive away, it was far enough away for good measure. My youngest brother lives about 10 minutes away in another direction, again a safe distance.
I can't seem to process the fact that they are now only living say...2 minutes walk away from me to the point where I am literally getting tightness in the chest and I am so, so stressed that it came to a head on the 23rd of December and I blew up big time. Please keep in mind that these family members of mine have been the bane of my life for the past 39 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I don't wish any harm on them or anything like that, but I definately don't want them living around the corner from me. I know you're probably thinking well no, I wouldn't want my mother living around the corner from me either but this woman is like no other. Just for starters...the way she told me she was looking for another place to live went something like this: "If the real estate rings you tell them me and Ocker (my grandfather / her father) have been living in this house for 15 years and the reason we are moving out is because he is 90 and has got dementia and we have to sell the house so he can go into a nursing home'. What the? This is her own father she is talking about and no...he doesn't have dementia. The reason she has to make up such a story is because she has rorted every real estate in the local area and can't get rental accomodation because of it. Can't get the phone on because of having it connected in every man and their dogs name and not paying the bill. This has been going on since I was a kid. These things are only superficial and trivial...I just wanted to set the scene.
She walked in here on Saturday..no hello, goodbye kiss my ass or anything...she just says..'I won't be coming here Monday (Xmas Day)'. Ummmm OK...but I've just done a $380- grocery shop for the day which I really couldn't afford but hey...it won't go to waste.
However, she'd planned on going to her partners house with my grandfather and spend a nice, relaxing day there. Apparently she'd organised for all my brothers and their kids to come here! Fuck off! No way!!
The brother that lives with her I'd already told her I don't want him coming here whenever he feels like it. He has a daughter who is a great kid but he also took on her older brother and still sees him and I don't want the little bastard here. He steals things from my brother and his own cousins so there is no way I would have him here Xmas Day when there is shit everywhere after the kids unwrap all their stuff.
My youngest brother is the biggest thief God ever put on this earth and you can't leave anything around when he comes so theres no way he was invited this year either. Why should I have to hide my wallet and stuff in my own house? Especially at Xmas! Also, my mother hasn't even told him where shes moved to 'cos she doesn't want him there...but its OK for her to invite him around here Xmas Day?
The eldest brother is cool...he has no kids but should be the only one to have any but he decided if I didn't want the other brothers here then he'd go wherever they are 'cos apparently 'it wouldn't feel right without them'. OK...whatever floats your boat. Just don't let me hear you whingeing about them when they knock your stuff off this year.
When I found out that they had organised for my brothers ex to drop the 2 kids off here on Xmas Day I went ballistic. I rang my mother and ripper her another one. She asked me what the problem was not wanting one of my brothers here for Xmas...mind you we'd already discussed this problem on the Saturday..so she said something along the lines of 'Well maybe we should leave it at that and you have your Xmas and we'll have ours'...or something similar. Well that just blew my fucken head off. I yelled and screamed and carried on and told her to fuck off and get the fuck out of my life.
She hung up on me so I sent text messages all afternoon telling her how I really felt. All the while I was shitting myself. For 39 years this woman has intimidated me, manipulated me and simply scared the shit out of me but no friggen more. I knew she'd be fuming but I just couldn't help it I kept sending messages until I felt satisfied that I'd got my message across. I kept looking out the window all afternoon and night after that thinking she was gonna march her ass down my street to flog me and believe me....she would.
So Xmas day comes and yeah..I felt slack and I know thats karma but on the same token I was really relieved that I wasn't having to worry about anyone sitting here drinking themselves stupid and starting a fight or about anyone comparing jail stories in front of my kids or anyone wrecking, stealing or breaking my kids new stuff they just got for Xmas. That was the plus side.
The down side was that I felt bad for saying things I did (but I know they should've been said years ago)...I'm my own problem for letting them walk all over me for so many years. I've been physically ill since Saturday, since the start of all this. I've not been able to keep my ass off the toilet. When I get anxious, scared and worried the first place I head is the toilet so you can imagine over Xmas the 'ol throne has had a total workout. Ewwwwwww...too much information??
I haven't really enjoyed Xmas at all but I'm thinking thats punishment for being such a bitch to my family at Xmas. I don't know what the fuck to think actually. Michaels family came over Xmas night but I just couldn't get into the swing of things. I tried so hard but I just couldn't.
Today we went to Michaels fathers and his wife put on a gorgeous lunch but all the way up there I had this God-awful feeling like a tight chest and a depressed, zombie-like state but I know at any minute..if someone says or does the wrong thing I could ram a knife through them in a split second.
I'm getting to the point now where I think that it's all just me. That maybe I'm just looking for excuses and someone to blame..I just don't know what to think.
Xmas Eve I couldn't have even been fucked about bringing out the kids presents. All I want to do is sleep. I feel like shit. I have headaches. And I'm worried.
So...if you've read this far...thank you firstly...you deserve a medal. Secondly...as someone looking from the outside in...what are your thoughts?
Sorry for the shitty post.