Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Shitty post...sorry

Hey all.
I have something I want to say that at this time of the year will probably depress you so if you're in the whole Xmassy spirit of things then please don't read on.

As most of you know I lead a pretty full on, busy life with 5 of my kids (well 4 next year) at school and the eldest working as a chef in the city. The 3 youngest boys all play cricket with one excelling at the game and taking a lot of our time by playing Rep. grade and indoor cricket as well. My hubby and I love this though.
On top of that I am Secretary on 2 committees and Publicity Officer on one...one is the Mothers Club at the boys primary school and the other is the P & F at the high school. I also hold a position 'of sorts' on the cricket clubs committee, being the co-ordinator for next years Trivia Night which is to be held in February.
The high school position hasn't called for much. Taking Minutes, typing them up and getting them printed is about it. The primary school is similar but there are more days and events at the school that I have to attend to help out and sometimes this can be twice or even 3 times a week.
On top of that there is canteen duty once a month at the primary school and the other various engagements at both schools that a parent attends.
All this sort of stuff I can usually do standing on my head...not a problem. This year though I have found it really, really hard to unwind and relax to the point of I am a bit worried and scared for myself.
I have a few extremely stressful times this year with my family (not my immediate) but my brothers and mother who I know will never, ever change their ways.
Two weeks ago my mother and one of my brothers moved around the corner from me, within walking distance, and it just blew me out of the water. It was like the only thing I had left was this safe haven of knowing that although they only lived 15 minutes drive away, it was far enough away for good measure. My youngest brother lives about 10 minutes away in another direction, again a safe distance.
I can't seem to process the fact that they are now only living say...2 minutes walk away from me to the point where I am literally getting tightness in the chest and I am so, so stressed that it came to a head on the 23rd of December and I blew up big time. Please keep in mind that these family members of mine have been the bane of my life for the past 39 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I don't wish any harm on them or anything like that, but I definately don't want them living around the corner from me. I know you're probably thinking well no, I wouldn't want my mother living around the corner from me either but this woman is like no other. Just for starters...the way she told me she was looking for another place to live went something like this: "If the real estate rings you tell them me and Ocker (my grandfather / her father) have been living in this house for 15 years and the reason we are moving out is because he is 90 and has got dementia and we have to sell the house so he can go into a nursing home'. What the? This is her own father she is talking about and no...he doesn't have dementia. The reason she has to make up such a story is because she has rorted every real estate in the local area and can't get rental accomodation because of it. Can't get the phone on because of having it connected in every man and their dogs name and not paying the bill. This has been going on since I was a kid. These things are only superficial and trivial...I just wanted to set the scene.
She walked in here on Saturday..no hello, goodbye kiss my ass or anything...she just says..'I won't be coming here Monday (Xmas Day)'. Ummmm OK...but I've just done a $380- grocery shop for the day which I really couldn't afford but hey...it won't go to waste.
However, she'd planned on going to her partners house with my grandfather and spend a nice, relaxing day there. Apparently she'd organised for all my brothers and their kids to come here! Fuck off! No way!!
The brother that lives with her I'd already told her I don't want him coming here whenever he feels like it. He has a daughter who is a great kid but he also took on her older brother and still sees him and I don't want the little bastard here. He steals things from my brother and his own cousins so there is no way I would have him here Xmas Day when there is shit everywhere after the kids unwrap all their stuff.
My youngest brother is the biggest thief God ever put on this earth and you can't leave anything around when he comes so theres no way he was invited this year either. Why should I have to hide my wallet and stuff in my own house? Especially at Xmas! Also, my mother hasn't even told him where shes moved to 'cos she doesn't want him there...but its OK for her to invite him around here Xmas Day?
The eldest brother is cool...he has no kids but should be the only one to have any but he decided if I didn't want the other brothers here then he'd go wherever they are 'cos apparently 'it wouldn't feel right without them'. OK...whatever floats your boat. Just don't let me hear you whingeing about them when they knock your stuff off this year.
When I found out that they had organised for my brothers ex to drop the 2 kids off here on Xmas Day I went ballistic. I rang my mother and ripper her another one. She asked me what the problem was not wanting one of my brothers here for Xmas...mind you we'd already discussed this problem on the Saturday..so she said something along the lines of 'Well maybe we should leave it at that and you have your Xmas and we'll have ours'...or something similar. Well that just blew my fucken head off. I yelled and screamed and carried on and told her to fuck off and get the fuck out of my life.
She hung up on me so I sent text messages all afternoon telling her how I really felt. All the while I was shitting myself. For 39 years this woman has intimidated me, manipulated me and simply scared the shit out of me but no friggen more. I knew she'd be fuming but I just couldn't help it I kept sending messages until I felt satisfied that I'd got my message across. I kept looking out the window all afternoon and night after that thinking she was gonna march her ass down my street to flog me and believe me....she would.
So Xmas day comes and yeah..I felt slack and I know thats karma but on the same token I was really relieved that I wasn't having to worry about anyone sitting here drinking themselves stupid and starting a fight or about anyone comparing jail stories in front of my kids or anyone wrecking, stealing or breaking my kids new stuff they just got for Xmas. That was the plus side.
The down side was that I felt bad for saying things I did (but I know they should've been said years ago)...I'm my own problem for letting them walk all over me for so many years. I've been physically ill since Saturday, since the start of all this. I've not been able to keep my ass off the toilet. When I get anxious, scared and worried the first place I head is the toilet so you can imagine over Xmas the 'ol throne has had a total workout. Ewwwwwww...too much information??
I haven't really enjoyed Xmas at all but I'm thinking thats punishment for being such a bitch to my family at Xmas. I don't know what the fuck to think actually. Michaels family came over Xmas night but I just couldn't get into the swing of things. I tried so hard but I just couldn't.
Today we went to Michaels fathers and his wife put on a gorgeous lunch but all the way up there I had this God-awful feeling like a tight chest and a depressed, zombie-like state but I know at any minute..if someone says or does the wrong thing I could ram a knife through them in a split second.
I'm getting to the point now where I think that it's all just me. That maybe I'm just looking for excuses and someone to blame..I just don't know what to think.
Xmas Eve I couldn't have even been fucked about bringing out the kids presents. All I want to do is sleep. I feel like shit. I have headaches. And I'm worried.
So...if you've read this far...thank you firstly...you deserve a medal. Secondly...as someone looking from the outside in...what are your thoughts?
Sorry for the shitty post.


Anonymous said...

Sharryn, I've sent you an email

Big Hugs.... gail (teachingmum)

Anonymous said...

Big hugs from me too Shaz.

Hope you get things sorted.

Anonymous said...

Sharryn, I am going to email you when I have had a good think about all this.
Keep your chin up, and just surround yourself with those gorgeous kids and that wonderful husband.

Anonymous said...

I'm off to have a think about it and then I will email you (somehow 'cause I don't know your email address)

Jo (Scrapgirl - Boxx)

Kylie said...

don't really hav anything valuable to say but wanted to let u know im thinkin bout ya

Anonymous said...

not sure i'm qualified to comment, sharryn - but, no i don't think it's you! i was in tears by the end of your post, mainly because i can sorta relate to what you are saying - although in my case it's the in-laws. i don't really have any advice, other than look out for you and yours! and please take care of your health - really don't like the sound of that tight chest!
please take care!!

Dayna (from the boxx)

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like you have done the only possible thing you could have, protect your family and belongings. It doesn't mean you don't love your brothers or mother. Your kids and hubby should be your main concern and if your mother and brothers wish to live a certain way then fine,but it doesn't mean you have to accept it or put up with it. Stay strong and forget the family drama's. You know they still win in the long run if your ruin your own Chrissie with stress.

Goodluck with it all Sharyn.

Jodie xx said...

Shaz i think you've just come to the end of the rope, it sounds like you have put up with shit from your family your whole life and its only now, that you have found the strentgh to stand up for yourself and you are totally valid in doing so, its so hard confronting family situations and you should be proud of yourself for achieving this. Take care of yourself matey and just remember your a grown woman now and you dont have to put up with shit from no one.

Big hugs to you mate and no its not you.

love Jodes

Chrissy said...

Hi Sharryn, wow what a post. I can relate to what you're going through. I have 'cut off' most of my family because that's the only way I know how to deal with it. I know if I have regrets later I will have to deal with them then. I chose Me over trouble causing, havoc wreaking, family members. I'm much happier putting my energy into the positive things in my life rather than wasting them on the negative. Whatever path you choose luvy, do it for YOU. I know this is a hard time - I'm thinking about ya and sending you a big (((hug)))

Mardi said...

It is not you Sharryn!

You put up with an amazing amount of stress and issues in the name of your family...and time and time again they have no or very little regard for you.

There is only so much you can deal with ...you have finally reached that point and it probably needed to be said......

Im thinking that once you have had the opportunity to speak with your family again that maybe you will feel a little better ... dont apologise but move on.

You have a wonderful family...a lovely supportive husband...lots of friends who adore you.... keep your chin up....and remember we are all here if you need a chat.

Mardi x

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! I am so sorry darling for not logging on earlier to read this!

I agree with everyone here, its definately NOT you hun. I'm just amazed you haven't exploded before now.

I hope you're feeling a bit better and please don't go apologising to your family. I am thinking perhaps they should be the ones saying sorry to you!

Love n Hugz
PS I am always here if ya need me, just send an sms or email through!

Anonymous said...

Gee wizz Sharryn :(
Your Xmas sounds like it could have been better huh! Sometimes family suck big time. Grrrrrrrr!!! to them all.
Maybe you should do a LO about them and how you feel. No one needs to see it but it might help to get "it down" IYKWIM
Take care.

Anonymous said...

Got interupted whilst reading ur post the other day & still dumb founded by ur mother after reading it the second time around.

I hope u feel betta soon! By the sounds of it & other times before this has been brewing for some time, & I'm sure once u get past the gulity feelings of it u'll realise that it's a chioce that really wasn't made by u....u were forced into it by the various family members.
Just remember u've got all the family u need with Michael & ur gorgeous kid's....& us of course!!!
I know probably not much help but that's the way I see it....
U go girl!
Stick up for ur self!
Hugz Hun!

Anonymous said...

Really not sure what to say that could help. But I am thinking of you and hoping that you find a solution. {{hugs}}

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