August 12th

For the past 6 and a half months I've been dreading today but now it has come around I feel a sense of peace. I feel that now the day has come I can finally have closure. I feel that the past 9 months have been an open chapter of a book of my life that was never going to have a happy ending. But at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today is the day our baby was due.

The past 7-8 months have brought so many changes. Not only did I lose my baby, I lost the job I loved so much, I lost a lot of respect and I lost my way in the world more than once.

Although I don't know why God ever gave us that baby and took it away just as quick, I realise He must have had His reasons and one day I'll know what they were. I do know that the breakdown I suffered because of it will eventually make me a stronger person. Not just yet, it's all still a bit raw.

Maybe it happened so I could resign from work and spend more time with the kids? Things were so hectic, I'd drive home from work pick up which ever one had sport training that night and literally fly back out again. I truely think I was running on adrenalin and you just can't live like that. So leaving work has given me the chance to slow down, just a little bit.

Maybe it happened to make me a stronger person for the job I was going to pursue in the long run? Most of you know I've always wanted to work in the funeral industry and a couple of months ago I was given that opportunity. I was worried that it might've been too soon but I rolled up my sleeves and got in there like I'd been doing it for years. From preparing the deceased to attending the actual service, I rocked it. That particular place didn't quite work out though as after the day I was told it was only an 'observation' day and they weren't going to pay me. WTF? I worked 5 and a half hours, ALL hands on deck and they called it observation? You look with your eyes not your hands. Cut a long story short, at that time of my life I just wasn't strong enough to argue so I let it go. One day I'll give it another shot.

I'm just very grateful that although I lost myself and my way in the world more than once over the past months, I'm beginning to find myself again. It hasn't been an easy slog, it's been a very long road but at least now I can read the signs along the way. Who knows where they'll eventually lead me?

One thing I do know that does give me great comfort is knowing that there is another little Angel in Heaven to cuddle when I get there.