Wednesday, December 30, 2009

7th {Heaven}

Merry Xmas to everyone and so sorry it's been such a long time between posts. Life has been so very busy for us especially during the cricket season.

My last update was way back in June and I have been very mindful of the timelapse but never in my wildest dreams did I think my next blog post would be along these lines.

December 3rd we found out we were expecting child number 7. It was a complete 'suprise' although a lovely one and one we felt very blessed to receive. We decided to tell the kids early on for personal reasons and they were all very, very excited.

We found out extremely early (that early in fact I was joking we must have found out 5 minutes after I was pregnant) and things seemed to be progressing nicely. My HCG levels weren't rising 'text book style' however I've never been one to worry too much about these levels, as long as they are rising it's all good I've come to realise with the others. The first ultrasound was too early to see anything apart from some thickening of lining where it was meant to be, the 2nd ultrasound showed the gestational sac and the last ultrasound I had on the 23rd of December showed a sweet little flickering heartbeat. All good.

I'd made a Xmas e-card to send to family and friends for the last couple of years and decided to add a special little note this year to tell the world our news. Funny, it just didn't feel right sending the e-card with the 6 kids on it when there was going to be 7. Maybe it was too early to share our news. Is there a standard procedure though? Is it so bad that you just want to scream from the rooftops and let everyone know how happy this tiny little being that's only been in your life for such a short time has made you? To see the joy on your other kids faces is an amazing thing. Why not share some of that joy especially at Xmas? God knows, the world needs as much joy and love spread around this time of year as it can get.

I'd had a few 'niggly pains'and a bit of spotting for over a week that I hadn't said anything about, especially after driving the car. I'd seen my GP about it but he assured me everything was OK.
Sadly on Boxing Day the spotting turned into something more sinister and I spent most of the morning at the hospital. Obviously at such an early stage there wasn't anything they or I could do, just rest.

Michael and the boys were going away on the 27th, which was Jye's birthday, to Tottenham which is in Central NSW. The boys were looking really forward to it. We'd bought Jedd a present for Xmas that he could only use on a property such as the one in Tottenham so it was decided that they still go. I was sure everything would be fine, it was just a bit of a setback. So they set off at 6.00a.m that morning. It's a huge drive and were only there a short time before the rain had flooded them in and they couldn't even get off the property.

The morning of the 28th things had gotten progressively worse so Josh drove me back up the hospital. This time they didn't muck around they took me straight in, put me on a drip and did test after test. I think it was the longest few hours of my life. Eventually the gyno came in and I was given the results, not good.
So they prepped me for theatre then and there. The rest, as they say, is history. :(

I don't understand why, after all these years, this happened. Why would we be given such a gift only to have it torn from us such a short time later? Had I done something bad? Was it a lesson? If so, what for because I really don't get the gist of it. I've racked my brain and I can't think of anything I've done to deserve this happening. One of the nurses said that maybe it was meant to be. WTF? So, you get pregnant 12 years after your last child then 7 1/2 weeks later you lose it and that's meant to be? Why? Was it meant to be that it happened when my whole family were away? On any given day there usually isn't a moment in my life when I turn my head and at least three people are there. I am always surrounded by people. So why did this happen when there was no-one around? Was that just meant to be?

I guess God will be the only one to ever know the why's and what-if's. I just wish He had've given me a bit of a heads up. That way I could've prepared myself to deal with the pain in my heart I have right now.


jilly said...

Oh darl, I'm soooooo sorry...

Tracey said...

My heart goes out to you Sharryn. The pain of losing a child is the hardest of all. I also lost a baby at about 8 weeks pregnant and it is heart wrenching. I lost my little girl when she was 2 and a half years old so I know to the fullest extent how excruciatingly painful it is. Take comfort from the 6 gorgeous souls you have with you and stay strong. The pain will ease. xxx

Julie said...

Sharryn...I am so sorry :(
For some things in life there just is no answer.
Thinking of you..
Julie G

Lisa Harman said...

It is sad,. it is hard and you will never have the answers you feel you need.
Take comfort in knowing that you have a wonderful family and friends who love and support you and are here for you no matter what.
We will always be tested one way or another and never truely understand why.
Your a great mother Sharryn and if it is meant to be it will be.


Dennice said...

Sharon, Sorry to hear about your loss, if you need a distraction that's my middle name.
all our love
"The Colligans"

Erica Glover said...

Oh sweetie, at first i was so excited for you, then so sad to see your heartbreak as I read on.

Take the time to grieve, the answers may never come but stay close to your loved ones and give your heart some time to heal.

So so sorry to know you are going through this.


Julie said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} :o(
thinking of u all

Sonia said...

With tears in my eyes, I think of you and what you are going through....having heard the joy in your voice over your excitement, I won't ring now, as I know the pain must be horrid.

Just know that I think of you and cry with you....
Love and hugs

Sonia said...

hugs my love.....through tears and heartache...

won't call, but if you need me I am here.

Petrina McDonald said...

Oh Sharryn...I just don't know what to say. How absolutely horribly tragic; devastating for your whole family. Advice and opinions may not be warranted but I just want to say that I have always found from experience that God doesn't bring these things upon us to test us or teach us anything, they just happen and He is here to help us be strong and pick up the pieces after wards. Thinking of you, P.

Jane Clark said...

Sharryn, what can i say.... Life sucks sometimes doesn't it? you had that little joy inside you for 7 1/2 weeks, so celebrate that as tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.
Wish I could give you a hug and say you'll be okay but you just have to let all those emotions out.
Take care my friend XXX

Anonymous said...

I am sitting here, not knowing what is the right thing to write. I know we don't really know each other, but I am so sad for you and just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Hugs to you and your family xx

Michelle W said...

I'm so sorry Sharryn.
Love & Hugs...

You can shed tears that they are gone,
Or you can smile because they were here,
You can close your eyes and pray that they will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that they have left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see them
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember them and only that they are gone
Or you can cherish their memory and let them live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your
Or you can do what they would want: smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.

author unknown

Paula said...

Nothing can prepare you for something like this Sharryn. Hugs to you & the family. xx

Amie said...

Oh Sharryn I am so sorry to read this heart wrenching news I know how much you love that baby as soon as you find out your pregnant.... I am thinking of you and your family.
Hugs Amie xx

Felicity said...

Sharryn, I am so sorry. I have been there myself 5 times and I know nothing I write here can give you comfort at the moment. Be very kind to yourself, hide under a mushroom if you need to until you feel ready. We are all here for you if you need a shoulder. xxx Felicity

Tanya said...

Oh Sharryn. My heart aches for you. I don't know what to say. I have been there too. People like that nurse always say things happen for a reason but sometimes I am left wondering exactly what that reason is. I am thinking of you at this sad time xx

Lisa said...

Sharryn my heart goes out to you. Thinking of you and your family. Lisa. xo xo

Chelle said...

Sharryn, my heart goes out to you. I dont think we will ever know the answers to some questions!! Take care and time out for you to heal, in the comfort of your wonderful family.

sandra said...

so sorry to hear of your loss words can express the sympathy that I feel right now for your

Joyce said...

Hugs to you Sharryn.

Anonymous said...

Oh Shaz, I am so so sorry to hear the end of your post. My heart goes out to you and Michael and the kids.
Hugs and love.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sharryn, I am truly very sorry to read of the pain you are feeling and wish I could answer your questions for you to aid in your healing process. Life can be so very unfair sometimes and as you know, I too ask my fair share of questions every day and may never get answers. But we sure can be here to support each other in our hours of need in order to cushion the journey. Wishing you much love and hope that your heart heals more with each day, here if you need to chat, Tiff xxx.

Kathleen said...

Im so sorry Sharryn :( I lost a bub before Clay came along, around the 6 week mark, Jas was away up north for work so I was alone aswell - people who told me it wasn't "meant to be" had never been through it themselves, made me wanna...grrrr. Anyways, I remember all I wanted was a hug, so sending you lots of *hugs*...


Georgia Keays said...

Sharryn I am so sorry. I have been there myself and it is a horrible place to be. I think sometimes people don't know the right thing to say and so they end up putting their foot in it. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sharryn I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. It is so devastating to loss a life growing inside you. we tend to fall in love with the little souls the moment we realise they are there.

The way I tried to cope was to think that each soul is here for a reason, to learn something...and perhaps your little one didn't need to be here for very long to learn what they needed before they could go onto heaven.

just my thoughts.
huge HUGS to you and your family.

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